Ask Dr. Burro: Automotive Advice Column

By David Belau

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Welcome to Ask Dr. Burro, the automotive advice column that answers readers’ questions with wit.

Dear Dr. Burro: “Is there something wrong with my car? Green fluid is shooting out of it. See the attached picture. How do I fix this?”
-Something Green

Green, remember that every car needs regular prostate exams. I would check with your mechanic immediately. The flow rate should be much higher than this picture shows. There could be an obstruction or other problems.

See more of Dr. Burro’s answers to questions after the jump!

Dear Dr. Burro: “I’m having trouble with the ladies. Are there certain cars that can attract women? If so, what are they? I currently drive a Geo Metro convertible. When I bought the car, I heard that girls love convertibles, but that hasn’t been my experience. What is your advice?”
-Lonely in Vegas

Lonely, if there’s anything that I know, it’s the ladies.  If you can’t afford a new car right now, try fixing up the Geo. Girls love convertibles-I think your problem is in the execution. My recommendations are thus: apply Playboy bunny stickers to the windows, a 5″ exhaust tip and make sure to fill the car with dudes on cruise night. Nothing says “I’m a stud” like a car packed with guys. If you can afford a new car, try a Miata. Girls like sensitive guys.

Dear Dr. Burro: “My Chevy truck makes 600 horsepower out of the stock 350 with minor bolt-ons. My friend’s 6-cylinder Mustang beat me on the street only because I couldn’t get any traction. Now he won’t shut up about it. How can I get more traction? I really want to shut him up. Also, if I switch to a 4 barrel carb from the stock 2 barrel will that help?”
-Looking for Traction

Looking, a good way to get extra traction is to add weight to the bed of your truck. But be careful! With all that power, you could flip the truck over backwards. And by all means add those extra 2 barrels. While you’re under the hood, add chrome valve covers. I’ve personally seen a car with chrome valve covers run a 5 second quarter.

Dear Dr. Burro: “My friend and I think you’re an idiot that doesn’t know anything.”
-Jackass in Portland

Jackass, thank you for the letter of concern. Rest assured that I do know what I’m talking about. By the way, your blinker fluid is low.

If you have a question for Dr. Burro, post it in the comment section.