Dream Job

By Chris Trout

Troutster52

I wish everyone thought as highly of me as I do. Unfortunately, I have to live in a sad reality where that is not the case. I desperately want the corporate opinion of me to be so hight that everyone wants me to try their product just on the chance that I might like it. In this dream-land, my opinion is so highly valued by manufacturers of all types that they are tripping over each other just at the chance to be the benefactor of a favorable opinion from THE Chris Trout.

Everyone has opinions about something; many people have opinions on nearly everything. I find myself in the second category.

Not shockingly, automobiles are the focus of how I spend the majority of my opinion-forming energy. My wife and I only have one vehicle right now and new cars are way outside of our price range for most of our foreseeable future. However, my sharp and effective opinion-forming mind knows no limits, running wild through the world of consumer products as though the 20 foot electrified barbed wire fences of my financial limitations don’t exist.

Continue reading after the jump!

Clearly there are the blessed few that have jobs in which they get to spout feedback about Ferraris, Lamborghinis and Porsches as if any or all of those luxury exotics are within grasp. I can appreciate the differences of course, but with my humble history, I’d have a hard time not writing something mindless and Neanderthal like, “THAT WAS SWEET!” when describing anything with less than four doors and more than 300 horsepower.

No doubt like beginning any new job, there is a learning curve and a trust that develops over time. Should I land this fantasy job testing and comparing cars, I imagine they would put me in a Hyundai Accent or HHR, and a pile of minivans, before they let me slide behind the wheel of an R8, GTR or ZR-1. Don’t worry, Automobile, Car and Driver, Tire Rack, Edmunds, and whoever else might be reading; I am totally ok with that.

In fact, I love driving all sorts of cars and as much as I salivate at the opportunity to slam through the gears of a GT500, it also excites me to drive the new forthcoming Ford Fiesta. In the same way, I’d love to experience life in a Lexus IS-F but would smile ear to ear test-driving a Scion tC. Cars I most look forward to driving are the aforementioned Fiesta, a rumored Diesel Mini Cooper, an American-spec Alfa Romeo (once Fiat brings them here) and a V6 Camaro. I feel genuinely that I could provide objective feedback on the entry and mid-level vehicles straight out of the shoot. However, it would likely take discipline and practice to get really good at offering criticism and objectivity on something more exotic. Did you notice I just slyly asked for practice driving super cars?

Let’s think about the job description for a moment. If I were an automotive journalist for a large publication, I would likely either travel to the location of discussion, or have the vehicle of discussion brought to me. I would then spend a day or more driving it to my heart’s content. Depending on the vehicle in question, that could entail some very spirited runs to 100 mph, some very tight corners, some serious towing, insane four-wheeling or respectable hypermiling. After taking in all the glory, failure, or a combination, I would begin to sharpen my thoughts into a short article detailing my experience and my verdict. All this would be at no expense to me. In fact, I would receive compensation for my actions and opinions. Could there be a more excellent job?!

I realize the insanity of this speculation. I know that a job test driving cars for automotive or local publications is nearly as sought after as an NFL announcer/commentator, a brew master, or a rock star. Therefore the competition for these types of positions are likely numerous and overqualified. This gives someone like me a snowball’s chance in hell to land this type of career.

Maybe there is a chance for a highly enthusiastic, regular guy like me to provide a new prospective. I could emphasize things based more on daily drivability, fuel mileage and value, without forgetting the important things like turning radius, torque steer and tire-durability when faced with heavy right foot driving.

More likely there is no such chance for a guy like me. There is a reason this article is entitled “Dream Job,” and not entitled “Qualified Applicant Seeking Viable Career Opportunities.” I hope those super-heroes of the automotive world that are blessed with those careers know exactly how blessed they are. I wish I was among their privileged ranks.